Hawkfrost's Evil Experiment
by StupidSequel
Summary: Inspired by Frankenstein, Hawkfrost has taped together parts of dead cats to bring back Tigerstar. Meanwhile, Jayfeather and the stick have had kits, and we learn something strange about Millie, Heavystep, and Jayjay. Some strong language.


**Warriors: Hawkfrost's Evil Experiment **(another alternate continuity. Gotta love that JayfeatherXStick pairing)

Hawkfrost was still not over Tigerstar's death. He could not sleep knowing that the forest would not belong to his family. _I wish I could bring him back. Wait. Maybe I can. Maybe I can convince StarClan that their math was off._

So Hawkfrost began living as a kittypet for the next several moons. His housefolk owned a lot of science fiction movies, one of which was Frankenstein. So he watched it with his family and began getting ideas. _Maybe I can reanimate Tigerstar by that method!_

After the movie was over, Hawkfrost sneaked out and went to Walmart to get some duct tape. While he was there, he met Sol.

"Hi! I'm looking for the Three. Where can I find them?" he said in a charming sweet voice.

"Huh?" Hawkfrost tipped his cute little head to one side, and then tucked his cute little paws under his cute little chest.

"You know the prophecy 'there will be three, kin of your kin, who will hold the power of the stars in their paws.'" Sol said in a monotone voice.

"Umm, I need to find the duct tape." Hawkfrost said in an urgent tone.

"We have none here," said Sol.

"But they usually do. Alright, how about stitches?"

"Nope"

Hawkfrost figured Sol was up to something. He scanned the clearing for... glue!

"Do you have any glue?"

"Nope"

_I knew it! He is messing with me. _"Do you have any cats named Sol here?"

"Nope"

"But you're here, and your name is Sol. So if you don't have any cats named Sol here, do you exist?"

"No we. I am... ERROR. ERROR! LOGIC CONTRADICTION OVERLOAD!" Sol exploded, revealing some complex circuitry and metal underneath his tortoiseshell pelt. Hawkfrost grabbed the duct tape and paid for it.

He went back and forth between the old forest and the lake, digging up cat corpses and taking off body parts and taking them to his personal science lab to duct tape them together (I will spare you the boring details). He had the brain and body of Tigerstar, the tail of Mapleshade, the legs of Brokenstar, the claws of Scourge, and the rest of Thistleclaw. A thunderstorm came and struck the two Tesla coils on the side of the building he was in, generating a lot of volts. At last, Tigerstar was reborn.

"Tigerstar 2! Welcome to RiverClan, where you shall take over the lake! Mwahahaha!" Hawkfrost's blue eyes faced the screen, then the screen turned black around them, and then his eyes faded afterward, Disney style.

Okay, now we get toJayfeather's plot, which is where this story gets really weird (as if it wasn't already weird to begin with).

Over in ThunderClan, across the lake, Jayfeather took his stick to the medicine den to get it looked at by Leafpool.

"Dear God, I mean, StarClan! Her belly is swelling." She put her ear up to the stick. "I think she's pregnant."

"But I can't be a medicine cat AND a father! Plus, I'm blind." He then remembered that he wasn't officially a medicine cat yet, only an apprentice. A loophole! Sweet zombie Spottedleaf!

"Her kits are due any minute!" Leafpool told him. At last a cat with a wooden body and limbs resembling twigs popped out of the stick's vagina.

"I don't care what gender they are. They probably will fall into the gender blender at some point." Leafpool mused. Another cat, similar looking to the first, popped out of the stick's vagina. It was also made of wood, but was a little more red colored than the first. A third kit popped out, but this time, it didn't look like a cat. No, it looked more like a twig, but all furry, with a grey striped pelt. It did not have any limbs, a head, or a face, or a tail. Just a furry twig, almost like a giant pill, or maybe a fancy owl pellet, but a little skinnier. A fourth kit popped out. It had the head of a regular cat, but its body was made of wood.

"Since I had the kits, I get to name them," the stick said in a Russian accent. "These two," she pointed to the two entirely wooden kits. "Will be named Cedarkit and Splinterkit. Cedarkit is the red one, and by process of elimination, you should be able to tell the other one's name. The furry twig will be known as Peltkit, and the half furry half wooden one will be Stickkit, named after me, Stick. He's also my favorite."

As time went on, Stickkit, Cedarkit, Splinterkit, and Peltkit had received their apprentice names and were on apprentice duties (they all had to watch out for termites except for Peltpaw, who, despite being just a furry twiggy body, somehow caught prey and ate it.) The four apprentices trained by fighting badgers and foxes. A litter of wooden kits needed to be as strong and healthy as can be if termites were a problem. Peltpaw was the only exception. He trained by fighting Lionblaze, who was his mentor.

"Come at me with all your might, for I am invincible!" Lionblaze sneered.

"Sir Yes Sir, Chuck Norris," Peltpaw responded. Lionblaze tipped his head to one side.

"Sorry. Force of habit. You are the best fighter, after all." An orange cat fighting against a grey furry twig looked kinda awkward. Just try to imagine that and keep a straight face. It can't be done!

One greenleaf, Firestar did the familiar summons because it was time they got their warrior names. Their warrior names were Sticktail, Peltpelt, Cedarpoint, and Splinterclaw. Jayfeather curled his tail around the stick. The stick's ear twitched.

"I think they will turn out to be fine warriors," Jayfeather whispered.

"I think so too, Jay," the stick responded. They both curled up into deep slumber.

Jayfeather found that he could see. The RiverClan medicine cat had a look of urgency on her face.

"The beginning of the end is here. It could be the end of the Clans! Tigerstar has come back, and RiverClan has not enough warriors."

"Who do you think ThunderClan is, the U.S.? I mean, they seem to think they police the world in the same way T-Clan seems to think they're the police of all four Clans. Deal with your own problems!" Jayfeather snapped.

"I know a secret about you. I know you're not really one of the Three. Millie is actually the third cat in the prophecy. She can talk. That's her power. She can communicate at all. You are correct that Lionblaze and Hollyleaf are the other two of the Three. If you don't help us somehow, I will tell everyone at the Gathering what I just told you."

"Okay, I'll obey." Jayfeather submitted.

.

Heavystep hissed at Tigerstar 2 and flattened his ears.

"I may be an elder, but I won't go down without a fight." Tigerstar 2 pelted over to the Thunderpath, waited, climbed into a monster in the driver's seat, and ran over Heavystep. Heavystep was dead. Again!

"Oh my StarClan! They killed Heavystep!" Leopardstar gasped.

"You bastards!" Mistyfoot added.

Heavystep's spirit was rising, but at a rate that was steadily decreasing. Eventually he felt himself falling. _No! I don't wanna go to earth! I wanna go to StarClan! _Yellowfang was peering over a cloud. She was wearing shades and a cap turned sideways.

"Yo, homie! What kind of shit you tryin to pull by committing gluttony? Now you too fat to make the journey to StarClan, so yo, dawg, your weight causes you to fall down below like window pain!" Yellowfang rapped. Well, his name is Heavystep for a reason. Heavystep's spirit fell back into his body.

"Tigerstar 2 has got to be stopped. He is a menace to society, and is a danger to all four Clans." Leopardstar went on. "We need more warriors. And that goes without saying because there are no warriors in this Clan right now, I just realized. So the she-cats must mate like crazy so we can repopulate RiverClan."

Heavystep mated with Leopardstar. Hawkfrost mated with Mistyfoot. Many, many, many yoctoseconds passed. Finally, the queens were pregnant. When it was time for their kitting, the queens prepared for the intense pain as they laid their eggs. Heavystep waited impatiently for Leopardstar's eggs to hatch. He tried yelling at them, he tried asking them out on a million dates, he tried blasting loud rap music, but the eggs just would not hatch. Finally, the moment! A kitten clawed at an egg shell from the inside and broke out. It had a brown spotted pelt. Eventually, all the RiverClan queens had laid eggs (they had to constantly keep shooing away Tigerstar 2 because he insisted that scrambled eggs sounded good to eat).

Tigerstar 2 was roaming around randomly in the RiverClan camp. "I will make sure this forest is mine, y'all hear me! And clean up your egg shells! You all look weak," Firestar 2 scoffed. Jayfeather wandered into RiverClan camp, with a look of nervousness on his face.

"What can I help with-" Jayfeather stammered, but Leopardstar cut him off.

"All the queens in our Clan have already laid eggs, so you're of no service to us." Leopardstar told him harshly.

"Oh my Gosh, you don't know what kind of mental torture I been through! I hate you!" Jayfeather squealed like a rebellious teenage girl. He stormed off in the direction of a door held shut with duct tape. The door had a sign on it. It had an image of Heavystep in StarClan, surrounded by a red circle with a line drawn across it. It had the words 'Do Not Enter the Closet of Replacement Heavysteps.' Jayfeather ignored the warning as she charged in. He walked in on two identical looking thickset tabby toms grooming each other.

"YOUR CLAN WOULD NOT LET ME HELP THEM, SO PREPARE TO DIE!" Jayfeather got out an Uzi. The Heavysteps looked stunned.

"You're not one of the Three, go away!"

"What the Dark Forest is going on?" Leopardstar stormed. She noticed the two Heavysteps in the closet. Heavystep was with her.

"Just so you know, Leopardstar, there's no need for the closet of me replacements. Basically StarClan called me fat. My soul is too fat to make the journey to StarClan. I'm sick of dying too many times. I'm gonna go join WindClan." Heavystep pouted.

"Oh, okay." Leopardstar said calmly, then she seized the Uzi from Jayfeather and Leopardstar shot the Uzi at the two Heavysteps in the closet. They stayed dead like good citizens.

"How many times has Heavystep died?" Jayfeather asked Leopardstar.

"If I'm not mistaken, 5345 times. All from Greencough."

"Ummm, what about when Tigerstar 2 ran him over?"

"Hmm, good question." Riverclan's medicine cat commented. He/she went over to Heavystep's body. A lightbulb flashed above the medicine cat's head.

"Well, it looks like Heavystep coincidentally died of greencough a millisecond before Tigerstar 2 ran him over."

"Welp, I've gotta go back to ThunderClan, for I am a Thundercat and my name is Jay." Jayfeather realized.

"Thank you for helping us repopulate RiverClan," Leopardstar called to him. She blew him a kiss.

While crossing WindClan territory on the way to ThunderClan, he said "Hey Heavystep" in a monotonous tone. He got back to his den. Peltpelt had caught himself a plump mouse and was eating it too, despite having no paws and no mouth, yet the other cats noted nothing unusual. Cedarpoint and Sticktail were playfighting each other, and then it turned into real fighting. What exactly were they fighting about? Well...

"I say Rowanclaw is a TOM!"

"No, Rowanclaw is a SHE-CAT!"

"You're stupid!"

"No, you're stupid!"

"Let's just go to ShadowClan's fucking territory and ask HIM!"

"You mean ask HER!" Sticktail and Cedarpoint were about to go trespass on ShadowClan's territory.

"I hope you both get termites," Peltpelt muttered under his breath as he watched the two wooden cats go into ShadowClan territory.

At ShadowClan territory, Sticktail and Cedarpoint were in the camp, preparing to ask Rowanclaw what gender it is.

"Hey, Rowanclaw, are you a tom or a she-cat?" Cedarpoint asked. Rowanclaw shrugged.

"Have you ever kitted?" Sticktail asked. Rowanclaw nodded.

"Then that means I was right about her being a she-cat," Cedarpoint said with glee.

"Have you ever been a father?" Sticktail asked it out of desperation. Rowanclaw nodded. Cedarpoint and Sticktail exchanged confused glances.

"So you're both?" Cedarpoint was as confused as my left bicep is sore right now.

"Who's your paramore?" Sticktail asked. Rowanclaw stayed silent.

"Yeah, who's your paramour? Whoever he or she is, he or she cheated on you." Rowanclaw did not say a word still. It waited, then pointed to Tawnypelt.

"Greetings, Earthlings," Tigerstar 2 growled in Rowanclaw's voice. A clear orb of energy traversed rapidly from Cedarpoint and Sticktails' throats. They tried to talk, but nothing came out. "Heavystep is my boyfriend." Tigerstar 2 said in Cedarpoint's voice. Sticktail chuckled. "And soon, I swear to God, I will destroy all 7 Clans! Hahahaha! Too de loo!" Tigerstar 2 leaped away like a Shy Guy on fire.

"He's really not of the warrior code if he believes in this so-called God!" Cedarpoint spat.

"Yeah, StarClan rules! That's why we gotta get rid of Tigerstar 2 if he believes in this Jesus fella."

"Yeah, we believe in StarClan." Both the wooden kits nodded.

"You kitties are GOIN TO HELL!" a preacher guy holding the Bible yelled in their faces, and then walked away.

"Wait, did he say 'seven Clans?'" It was Peltpelt who spake thusly.

"He was thinkin of the seven Chaos Emeralds from the Sonic games. I know cuz I read Tigerstar 2's mind even though I know I'm definitely not one of the three." Jayfeather spake, and then held his cute little paws over his cute little mouth.

"Let all cats join here beneath the Highledge for another Clan meeting, and wrap your tails around your cute little paws," Firestar said those last few words like how one would speak to an animal they thought was cute.

"Spottedleaf tells me that we need to get SkyClan to help us with this Tigerstar 2 threat. The directions to SkyClan territory are south by south by south. And apparently he has the power to steal kitties' voices so they can't reveal anything."

"Hmmm... I asked Tigerstar 2 if he would check my bedding for monsters, but he didn't take my voice." Millie spoke up.

_Is that what Millie's power is? To never be able to lose her voice? _Jayfeather thought. Tigerstar 2 held the severed head of an elephant in his jaws.

"That is how strong I am, so don't mess with me, you motherfuckin bitches!" Tigerstar 2 gruffed.

"We have no choice," Firestar said weakly, so he and Sandstorm ran off south by south by south to SkyClan territory (if you wanna know how their journey was, read Firestar's Quest. It was exactly like that, down to every detail. It was an exact carbon copy.)

Firestar and Sandstorm brought with them a fleet of SkyClan warriors, some of them had strange names like Harveymoon, MacGyver, and Billystorm, and even stranger names like Davidsnowstorm, Cunninghamthrush, and Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Cherry Berry Ruchi, Pip Perry Pembo.

"The shit will hit the fan," Firestar said angrily, with his eyes narrowed.

"You're gonna die, motherfucker!" Tigerstar 2 sneered back. "Any last words before I kill you in the way Scourge killed the original? Ooop, too late!" Firestar could not speak. Millie spoke in protest.

"You know how sequels are often lower quality than the original?" she spake with determinism.

"Oh snap! I can't take her voice!" Tigerstar 2 frustrated in growlion.

"Secret of NIMH was an awesome movie. Secret of NIMH 2 is more painful than childbirth. SkyClan's destiny, compared to Firestar's Quest, was kinda pretty boring. And you, Tigerstar 2. The original Tigerstar was a cat version of Hitler, yet you're all talk, and you never have accomplished anything except stealing voices. This whole story built up to a whole lotta nuthin thanks to you!" Millie concluded her reason-you-suck-speech.

"Ummm...Tikki Tikki Berry Cherry Pip something, could you help me?" Tigerstar 2 pleaded.

"I can't hear you unless you call me by my full name!" said Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Cherry Berry Ruchi, Pip Perry Pembo.

"Then how were you responding to me just now?" Tigerstar 2 demanded.

"Uhhh, coincidence?" After that exchange of words, Tigerstar 2 unexpectedly fell over, dead. Everyone gasped. Jayfeather rubbed his wife and got a vision.

"Leopardstar told me that Heavystep died 5345 times. Those were all his spirits avenging RiverClan to make up for me not helping them repopulate their Clan in time so they could fight him off." The stick purred at Jayfeather's words. "And it is thanks to our wooden kits, who will forever pose as walking sticks and an owl pellet for life so we don't get attacked. RIGHT?" Jayfeather said that last word harshly. The wooden kits and Peltpelt shivered.


End file.
